Letting the colourful skeletons out of the closet to play!

(Image is credited to Liam Liberty)

There is a big difference between keeping all our skeletons in the closet due to fear of the embarrassment, fear of the potential rejection of others, and fear of unknown changes which may happen after revelation of whatever may be the “skeleton”, even if such changes are rather small, even insignificant, as opposed to the discretion of keeping our bony little friends behind closed doors simply for the fact that these dirty little secrets really aren’t anybody’s business.

I have struggled with the question of how much personal information in conjunction with the stories I write should be told on this blog, not because of fear, but because I do not want the stories to be confused with a narcissistic gossip girl blog rather than a site with stories which can reveal the real impact that the American immigration system in the status quo has on regular people, regular families.

For a person such as myself, whom has been exposed to more uniques situations throughout a very busy life of collecting memoirs, I feel that I cannot hold back information, to which may seem too personal to reveal, because I believe that if it can make a positive impact on somebody, if only one person, to think differently about something or someone, or somewhere, then who am I too keep it in the closet, and depriving anyone, if only that one, of becoming more abstract minded after looking at that something, that someone, or that somewhere through another person’s eyes, through another person’s emotions, and through another person’s opinion, written from the heart by the soul, the signature being recognized only by choice of words. So, I have decided to use my discretion by acknowledging that if I hope for positive impact and positive change through storytelling, it means that there simply isn’t any discretion to be used.

We live in exciting times, where the way we look at human rights are positively changed through legislation. One of those changes is what I will address in this blog: the right to live forever happy with whomever you want to be your lifetime partner, no matter what gender that partner happens be and no matter where that partner happens to be from. So, I will be blogging, this time, about the impact of the Supreme Court kissing Section 3 of DOMA adieu in the year of 2013, and the impact it has had for same-sex couples, immigration wise, in the United States of America since, as well as peppering the content with personal information for the sake of influencing for the better, not in the sense of the opinion some may have about same-sex marriage and the law, but for the person who may come across this, and who despite the highest court of the land giving such marriage green light, still is struggling with accepting the reality that some people choose to live as Adam and Steve or as Ashley and Eve rather than what we have been conditioned through centuries to think: that a marriage can only be an institution as the original Adam and Eve.

What prompted the final spark to start blogging about this subject when I have so many other things which I could blog about, considering the right for a gay American to marry his or her non-American partner was, what the media realm would consider “breaking news” back in 2013. It is, because the media recently covered the breaking news of Ireland’s decision to allow gay marriages to be recognized...something which I consider a HUGE game-changer overall, as Ireland is reputed to be religiously zealous.

With that being said, I think I have completed the introduction of: Letting the colourful skeletons out of the closet to play!

First and foremost: If you are one of those persons who are uneased by the fact that some men become attracted to men only, and that some women prefer an alpha-female instead of the regular alpha-male this part of the blog is meant for you:

1. Just because you are a man does not mean that a gay man in your presence, whether you are middle-aged, or if you are young and attractive, will find you attractive. The fact is, that gay men have a sixth sense, serving as an extra instrument for survival which will react to the slightest sense of bigotry in form of homophobia, an anti-gaydar detector if you will. A slight reaction of the anti-gaydar detector due to sensing your bigotry is enough for the gay man to avoid you in the politest manner. The fact that being gay is not all about sexuality, is something the gay man knows, it is something which the whole gay community knows. The fact that that he will stay true to himself by acknowledging his homosexuality not only to himself but also to the rest of a world, which in 2015 still seems to be cruel to the gay community to a certain degree, makes him authentic; a person who strives for authenticity, finds himself on the path of self-actualization; self-actualization leads to calm, groundedness...happiness. Ergo, the gay man knowing what he is, as well as who he is, therefore is, in my opinion, the normal man. 
The fact that you would initially react to homosexuality negatively rather than staying neutral to a way of life and a community which you aren’t a part of anyway, and that such homophobia in which you possess, this "irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals" (as defined by Merriam Webster) most likely derives from your initial thoughts of this matter being of sexual nature, should be a concern not only to you, but also to a different community known as the mental health sector, as you may be the person with cognitive abnormalities due to suppressed anger as well as some level of sexual repression. Ergo, the homophobic man not knowing why he possesses anger toward a group of persons whom he has no connection to is, in my opinion, an unstable person, therefore, the abnormal man.

2. Just because you are a woman does not mean that a lesbian in your presence, whether you are middle-aged, or if you are young and attractive, will find you attractive. The fact is, that lesbians have a sixth sense, serving as an extra instrument for survival which will react to the slightest sense of bigotry in form of homophobia, an anti-gaydar detector if you will. A slight reaction of the anti-gaydar detector due to sensing your bigotry is enough for the lesbian to avoid you in the politest manner. The fact that being gay is not all about sexuality, is something the lesbian knows, it is something which the whole gay community knows. The fact that that she will stay true to herself by acknowledging her homosexuality not only to herself, but also to the rest of a world, which in 2015 still seems to be cruel to the gay community to a certain degree, makes her authentic; a person who strives for authenticity, finds herself on the path of self-actualization; self-actualization leads to calm, groundedness...happiness. Ergo, the lesbian knowing what she is, as well as who she is, therefore is, in my opinion, the normal man...as in human being. The fact that you would initially react to homosexuality negatively rather than staying neutral to a way of life and a community which you aren’t a part of anyway, and that such homophobia in which you possess, this "irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals" (as defined by Merriam Webster) most likely deriving from your initial thoughts of this matter being of sexual nature, should be a concern not only to you, but also to a different community known as the mental health sector, as you may be the person with cognitive abnormalities due to suppressed anger as well as some level of sexual repression. Ergo, the homophobic woman not knowing why she possesses anger toward a group of persons whom she has no connection to is, in my opinion, an unstable person, therefore, the abnormal man...as in human being.

3. If you are a person using religion as a shield to protect your distorted view of homosexual human beings, then let me remind you of a beautiful scripture: “For every creature of God is beautiful, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving.” Timothy 4:4...The best interpretation of this scripture that I could find was by Elliott’s Commentary for English readers, posted on www.biblehub.com: “To teach that anything created was unclean would be an insult to the Creator. The very fact that it is his creation is enough. If made by God, then it must be good.” With that being stated, I do not think that there is much, if anything at all to use as counter-argument to justify bigotry in form of homophobia.

4. Not all gay men carry feminine traits...not all lesbians are trading their femininity with brute masculinity. Imagine that you have set your greedy eyes upon a feminine woman in plum coloured stiletto heels with matching coloured lipstick, while pairing such accessories with delicate grey coloured clothing; she may as well be a woman who proposed to her girlfriend the previous evening, while presenting a one-carat Scott Kay ring, and doing so out of pure love to her...and because the law of the United States of America has given her the freedom to do so. Or, imagine that you are that single woman checking out that very masculine man in the fitness centre, dreaming of a potential first date: that man may as well have been looking at stocks and savings along with his husband the previous evening, in order to evaluate the amount of money they are able to spend on an upgraded home, so that their family can grow by adding children...and perhaps even a dog. He also was doing so because the laws of the United States of America has granted the protection and freedom for he and his husband to do so.

5. Guess what? These homosexuals you are discriminating against are someone’s children, someone’s sibling...perhaps they are someone’s parent.

I am sure that, at this point I may have someone reading this reacting by asking the rhetorical question: “Who the h*ll does she think she is, writing as if she knows everything about the gay community?” (And if you are asking such rhetorical question, no worries...I have in the past been asked that question...times and times again) Well, let me tell you exactly who I am, with regard to playing the “expert” on homosexuality: My first marriage was entered into at the very young age of 18 years. My husband was tall, blond, Greek-American,and quite handsome. We had a lot in common: We loved watching Mel Brooks VHS videos along with all of our roomies, we loved to have fun (trust me, it was some of the most memorable times of my life). We also loved dogs, cheap boxed wine, humanity of all kinds, the B-52’s and attending concerts, also along with all of the roomies, while cruising to the concerts in style by being stuffed into my flower-painted 1972 Chevy Impala...and we also had in common a little signifiant thing such as the fact that we were both attracted to men. In other words, I married one of my best friends, who happened to be a gay man.

While reflecting upon this marriage, the question remains: how does one really define the institution of marriage? How can a “traditional” marriage between a man and a woman, consummated by the way we are conditioned through old religious belief to consider such term, be the only proper type of marriage? Despite being traditional, such marriage may, perhaps, be a loveless institution, perhaps full of deception and even being one where unfaithfulness goes unnoticed as one party is consumed by own selfish misery, which was the driving factor to which the other party decided to seek acceptance through carnal gratification outside the marital boundaries?

My marriage to my first husband was never consummated. But I loved him, nevertheless.  We did, however, everything else married couples do: We lived together, we ate together, we shared the responsibility of paying rent and utilities; we socialized in the same crowds. Having a gay husband comes with benefits: without a doubt would I ever leave the house not looking well dressed. If it wasn’t my husband who objected to my combination of clothing before going clubbing, rest assured one of his friends (now also my friends) would catch any fashion faux-pas with their queer fashion hawk-eyes. Having the opportunity to observe him so many times, I used to think to myself that the way he handled our chow bred dogs, and the way he cared for every shrub and and flower in our garden all in such a gentle, caring way, how well he would handle fatherhood some day, and hoped that the fact that he was gay would not come in the way for him to make such a personal decision one day. We had disagreements like any other married couple: the fact that I left the dishes in the sink came up a couple of times as a topic of discussion, and also the confrontation of the misplacement of the potted flowers being placed in the wrong window whereas the one to which these potted flowers should be in, according to my husband, had much more possibility for sunlight; my counter-argument was that the window to which the potted flowers were proposed to be transferred to, may expose the plants of too much sunlight. And so on went our innocent institution of marriage. The fact that my husband, by marrying me, now was able to ease a very overbearing father by proving that he was married to a female; whereas I, in return, stood unto a more stabile ground in the way of staying in America and never having to permanently return to Europe to an equally overbearing mother was an immense relief of stress for both parties. I don’t expect anyone to understand nor to accept our way of marriage, although I can state that in the gay community, these type of marriages happened all the time, pre-DOMA era.

As I know that some have tried to use this marriage against me, immigration wise, although ironically enough not authorized to do so, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and never will. And I will tell you why: The fact that we didn’t lie during our interview with Immigration and Naturalization Services, as the questions never became so intimate to provide a wrongful answer during one of the most nerve-wrecking moment of my life. The fact that is that INS agents conducted and passed the background check, as all personal information, status of cohabitation, etc. were all bonafide information. That we were part of the gay community was never a hidden factor, and was something to which the INS must have been aware of...and yet permanent resident status was still granted in the year of 1990.

After a divorce two years later, we parted ways, and spoke rarely to one another. I moved on to a more traditional life with husband number two, and the gay community faded away from my life for a period, as I became busy as yet again a wife, a mother, home owner, while working weird hours hopping between the invasive cardiac catheterization team at the cath lab, and the cardiopulmonary department, skipping home to cook dinner, change diapers, confronting husband number two about the mysterious oreo-cookie crumbs on the kitchen floor trailing mysteriously toward the TV room, which weren’t there prior to the ten hour shift I had just completed...then to negotiate laundry schedule with the mother-in-law, who now had moved into the house...along with the father-in-law, and not only one brother-in-law, but two of them! Then to continue on after a couple of hours of sleep snuggled up with two babies, dogs, and the husband...as well as probably also a few oreo-cookie crumbs, which had found its way into the creases of the bed sheets, to moonlighting graveyard shifts at a Shriners Hospital pediatric unit, only to repeat the cycle. But as the gay community had made me a forever rainbow, despite entering into traditional marriage and heterosexual life, I was fortunate to have married the most non-judgemental mormon in history. When we were able escape work, diapers and in-laws on rare occasions, we would usually join the very colourful crowd of friends at our favorite gay bar, The Sun for a night of dancing and laughter...until one day the one and only tornado Salt Lake City have ever experienced decided to strike down in the very part where The Sun was located and wiped it out by tearing the bar completely to shred; which, by the way, gave every godfearing bigot in that state an opportunity to preach about god’s warning to all whom (in according to them) did not possess the Holy Spirit…! (translation: those gays)

The time and the friends I had in the gay community are moments treasured and individuals who have been able to give me more insight, through their personal storytelling into the morning hours, than any elite school may ever have taught me about homosexuality. These stories wiped off the grime of a window displaying a beautiful view into a community so misunderstood, so discriminated upon, and so stereotyped.

Although I never had friends in the gay community until I moved to the United States of America, homosexuality was not an unfamiliar subject in our family: At the most inappropriate moment, while displaying her dismay of my grandmother regarding something rather insignificant, my mother decided to reveal information about her former mother-in-law...and thus came a magnificent skeleton prancing right out of the closet of family secrets: blaming my grandmother of being a monster-in-law, and swore that the woman her senior needed to come down from her high horse as she had also made “mistakes” in her past, we were told that my grandmother was married very young, although we soon found out that she had been married to another man prior to marrying the man whom I believed to be my grandfather. In a time when being gay literally had to be kept in the closet, a young man from with a good family background had apparently married my grandmother in order to keep up good appearances. My uncle whom I believed to be my uncle all of a sudden became my half-uncle. My grandmother, in order not to be shamed soon divorced after becoming pregnant and discovering her husband’s “other life” and thereafter married my grandfather who others were lead to believe to be the father of my uncle. The subject of homosexuality has ever since been a delicate topic of discussion in the family, as there are mixed emotions not only to the subject. I see the situation of my uncle as an opportunity to challenge anyone trying to prove that homosexuality is genetically inherited, as he is evidence to the contrary, whereas he has lived a life as a heterosexual, despite having a homosexual father, and has been married twice, and fathered a child the good old traditional way.

Although there is now leverage for same-sex couples immigration wise, there is at the same time not enough protection through legislation for gay. lesbians and transgenders, which is still in many nations considered a vulnerable group, constantly targeted by bigotry and being in danger of losing their lives if their sexual orientation is exposed. Today, across the American nation, such gays, lesbians and transgender persons are detained in immigration facilities facing a potentially grim future if deported to their country of origin, while also facing the possibility of abuse inside the immigration detentions centres. The defeat in 2013, by deeming DOMA section 3 unconstitutional was a giant leap, but we cannot forget that we have brothers and sisters asking for protection whom instead of being granted a life lived in peace inside the USA, are finding themselves tangled in the immigration system.

As recently as two days ago, 28th of May, 2015, Los Angeles Eyewitness News wrote about demonstrators finding themselves arrested while trying to protest the incarceration of LGBTQ immigrants in Santa Ana: http://abc7.com/news/dozens-protest-incarceration-of-transgender-immigrants-in-santa-ana/746801/

This clearly proves that it the problem is still current and still a pressing issue which is needs be addressed by politicians.The irony here is that many of the politicians trying to shove this issue under the carpet happen to be direct ancestors of persons originating from countries which have a much more liberated  view of homosexuality, in particular, I am referring to England, whereas Sir Elton John, one of the greatest artists in British history, and who happens to be a gay man was knighted into royalty by the Queen of England; whereas British Petroleum’s former CEO, John Browne, also a gay man, entrusted with a job responsibility of an incomprehensible magnitude in which he held such position until 2007...also knighted, in the year of 1998. If England can recognize the merit of great men rather than focusing on their sexual orientation, then why is it so difficult for Americans to adapt the same attitude toward great men and women in the nation who choose to live their lives a little different for reasons which, as stated in the first part of the blog, are not skeltons in a closet, rather are they just a part of someone’s life which simply aren’t anybody else’s business to know...

Sincerely,

TheGreatDane